


By Your Bedside

by FiveLeafClover



Series: The Lost Boys [1]
Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2019-05-19 20:05:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14880336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveLeafClover/pseuds/FiveLeafClover
Summary: Cal sits by his brother's bedside in ITU. While wondering if his brother will ever wake up, he thinks over how they even ended up in this mess. (Told through the means of flashbacks.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [backdated fic, originally posted on fanfiction/net under the username InfinityAndOne, posted here 08/06/18]
> 
> So, a brand new FanFiction...yes, about Cal and Ethan. Did you expect anything else?! Anyway, just a quick little note, I will probably ask you every single chapter to review, just to satisfy my anxious needs and wondering whether you are enjoying it or not! Also, I am planning to do weekly updates every Monday with this story! So, on with the first chapter!

Cal sat silently by his brother's bedside in ITU. He sat watching his brother's chest rise and fall mechanically, aided by the ventilator. His hand had ghosted over his little brother's many times, but he still couldn't bring himself to hold it. It was too hard, too painful. All the wires, all the tubes connected to his little brother made Cal's heart ache. It wasn't natural for his brother to be kept alive by machinery. Cal wanted to free his brother from this state of limbo, to sweep him up and hide him away somewhere safe. That meant doing the one thing Cal would never, ever do. Throughout this, he would never, ever agree to pulling the plug, to ending his little brother's life once and for all. No, he watched and waited. Every day, every night, he would sit, sleep and eat by his brother's bedside, determined not to leave him, for if his little brother wakes up, Cal will be there.

But in the days, maybe longer, he would have to wait, Cal remembered everything. Everything that caused his little brother, to cause Ethan to be on the brink of death, to lie, half dead, in a coma. And Cal didn't know if he would wake up.

_To say the morning was dreary would be an understatement. Rain clouds, rain, not even a slither of the sun had shone through since dawn broke- well, the sun didn't even make an appearance for that. Ethan and Cal had noticed this too well- as did the rest of the Holby. It didn't come as much of a surprise to them as it would to many other people. Living in the British Isles seemed to implant into your mind that if the sun was out for more than three hours then the apocalypse was coming._

_Despite the weather that seemed to reflect the mood of the Saturday morning ED department, Cal and Ethan were a little happier than to be expected- which was down to two reasons. The first of which being that Cal had managed to pay Ethan back after the long wait- in turn, making both of them quite pleased. If Ethan was honest, he was more than a little surprised too. Cal was not one to be a very reliable character- so the fact that he had paid Ethan back came as a shock. If Ethan wasn't sitting down when Cal gave him the good news, Ethan would have toppled back._

_The second reason Cal and Ethan seemed to be the only ones smiling was that Honey had returned. Now, one would not usually expect Cal to be happy having been graced with the news that the girl Ethan had fallen for was back- but he was just pleased for his brother, and that he wouldn't be tricked the same way he was. But, being pleased for his brother was an emotion which neither of them would have expected little more than a year previously._

_It had taken a little time for Ethan to adjust to this strangely alien feeling that had returned to him when Honey decided to make a surprise appearance back in Holby, but things had gone well after he managed to pluck up the courage to ask her out for dinner._

_So, Ethan and Honey had been having a steady relationship- a concept which Ethan was growing to like- on one condition. They pulled a 'Zoe and Max', i.e. they kept it a secret. Noel, of course, knew all about Ethan and Honey- and, if he was honest, kind of suspected it. He didn't mind- in fact- he was glad that Ethan and Honey had mutual feelings towards one another, and, as Honey's father, he was more than happy for the very gentlemanly Ethan to be with his daughter. Saying that, he respected their wishes and kept it secret. A job which proved harder than he first thought when he lived with Big Mac and worked at reception with Louise. That was the worst part. If Louise found out- which she was very close to doing considering she spent 90% of her time watching the coffee shop- the whole hospital, ED and all would find out in less than an hour._

_That being said, Ethan's brother didn't want them to keep it a secret at first. It would be too much strain, and he wanted Ethan to be openly joyous. So, after much persuasion (and the odd couple of beers), Cal agreed to keeping it secret. It was the least he could do for Ethan._

There was a soft knock on the door to his brother's room before the person entered. It was Honey. She had been one of many who had decided to see how Ethan was- and although none of them told Cal this, they all liked checking up on him a lot, too.

Ever since Ethan had been in a coma, Cal seemed more reserved, more quiet. He was given compassionate leave by Connie after an unfortunate incident with a cleaning trolley and tripping over his own feet. It was like a part of Cal had gone- and everyone knew why.

Honey's gentle voice broke Cal out of his dazed thoughts as she handed him a coffee- the only thing keeping him awake during the day. "Why don't you go and sleep in the on-call room for a bit?" She suggested. "It'll be comfier than these chairs." She continued. Cal looked down at his feet- enjoying the warmth that radiated off of the cup he was grasping in his hands.

"I don't like leaving him." Cal's whispered and tear-filled words were an understatement. Honey gazed towards him sympathetically. She'd never seen him so desperate, so broken, before. No one had. She walked nearer and placed a hand on his shoulder before speaking.

"I'll be here." She reminded him. "He'd want you to sleep." Honey added comfortingly. Ethan would. He would probably push Cal into the on-call room himself. Cal, however, shook his head- keeping his eyes on his younger brother. Honey smiled sweetly and tried to persuade Cal further.

"I'll be with him, Cal. You're no good to him…" Honey was about to say 'half-dead', then decided they properly weren't the best choice of words to use in this situation. Come 6 months previously, she probably would have said that, but being around Ethan had rubbed off on her a bit. "I'll get you if the slightest thing happens, Cal." Nothing was likely to happen. Honey knew this too well- even though she had no inkling of the medical side of things. Ethan's condition hadn't improved, and it was unlikely it would any time soon. Then again, miracles happen- and Honey was one to believe in miracle. Even Cal- she noted- had been hoping for a miracle. She saw Cal give a minute nod of his head- one someone could have missed if they had not been looking intently for it.

"Thank you." He whispered to the barista, before standing up slowly, looking at Ethan one final time before leaving the room. He doubted he's get much sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he thought of…no! He wouldn't go there. It pained him too much to think of when everything had gone wrong, when he lost a part of himself. He just hoped Ethan would pull through. Cal could never live without him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, I'm just going to say this now. I cannot believe I actually uploaded this when I said I would. Like, literally. Anyway, now I'm over the surprise of it I would like to say thank you for the reviews on the last chapter, they definitely keep me going! And to those who wondered what was wrong with Ethan- you shall find out in due course! I am chuffed that after just one chapter there are already 8 follows and 4 favourites! I was not expecting that! I shall stop my rambling and let you read Chapter 2, and, can you review again? I'd really appreciate it!

Cal tossed and turned. He wasn't sure how long it had been since his head hit the pillow. To be honest, he wasn't sure how long anything had ever been. He wasn't sure when it was day or night either. Ironically, his watch had stopped on the day everything changed. That fateful day. Cal had often wondered whether the stopping of the watch signalled what was to come- signalled how the world stopped for Cal. The worst thing about that was Cal thought whether replacing the battery meant that everything would have gone on as usual. He mentally shook himself. That wasn't how the world worked.

Cal tried with all his might to sleep. He wasn't tired. He felt sick at the thought of drinking the coffee that Honey brought him, so he threw it away. It wasn't the coffee keeping his awake- it was the mere thought of Ethan. Cal never realised how much he needed Ethan- and it was certainly tearing him to pieces.

_So, Ethan and Cal arrived at another tiring shift, expecting the same damn thing they got every single shift. Drunks, time-wasters, broken bones, couple of RECUS cases if your shift was interesting. Not that working at the ED wasn't exciting, if not quite upsetting, but working in the Accident and Emergency department on a Saturday morning wasn't ideal. Cal and Ethan were just glad they didn't have the Friday night shift. They pitied the poor folks who had that!_

_Ethan had managed to get changed just in time before Zoe arrived in the staffroom demanding his presence. Cal looked utterly downtrodden and tried to protest. "Let me take this!" Ethan smirked- he loved seeing his brother dumped in cubicles while he was in RECUS- he loved the feeble pleads that his brother put up as well._

" _Not this time, Cal." Ethan also noticed Zoe smiling slightly too as she rejected Cal. It was quite amusing- although not for Cal!_

" _What've we got?" Ethan and Zoe left a sulking Cal in the staffroom while they made their way to the doors of the ED- waiting for the ambulance to bring in their latest casualty._

" _5 year old girl, knocked down by a car. ETA 3 minutes." Zoe informed him with a hint of worry in her tone. Ethan nodded a concerned nod. "I'll let you take lead on this one, I've got a stack load of other patients." Ethan stopped short._

" _You're kidding, right?" The desperation in Ethan's shaking voice made Zoe second-guess her decision, but she stood her ground._

" _You're old enough." Ethan couldn't help but laugh at that. It was just as awkward as his jokes! Zoe also giggled, and felt joy as she saw some of the tension drain out of his shoulders. "I'll help at first, don't worry." She reassured him._

_So that's what they did. They waited until that poor girl arrived._

_Ethan's heart sunk as he saw the state of her in the back of the ambulance. She was battered, bloody and bruised. She was on a ventilator, but was alive- albeit barely. Ethan felt sick. Getting a child come in that state to the ED was bad enough, but when she was 5, you were the doctor treating her, and her mother was watching you intently was definitely worse._

_They made their way to RECUS, and Ethan already had a bad feeling about it- a feeling which Zoe shared. She looked dreadingly towards Ethan, and Ethan returned this look. They knew what the other was thinking, and it was not good._

_Not a long time had passed before Zoe was replaced with Lily. The nurses- Rita and Lofty- still stayed the same. They all worked relatively calm, in silence, on the little girl named Lucy. Her mother reluctantly did as she was told and was currently in the relatives room- currently unaware that Lucy had just flat-lined._

Cal awoke with a start, sitting up and massively out of breath. He wasn't even aware that he'd fallen asleep. He didn't awaken from a nightmare as such. It was more that his dreams were haunted with his little brother. The cheeky smile, the awkward jokes and Ethan being...well...Ethan. The thought of Ethan never being like that again was enough to make Cal into his current state.

He didn't want to sleep again. The memories would haunt him too much. He lay back down, breathing a little slower now, and rolled onto his side- staring into space. Honey was with Ethan, so Cal thought he'd leave them to it- as much as it pained him to leave his brother's side. Even if he did go back to his brother, Honey would probably push him back out again. So, Cal just lay staring into space at the wall opposite, trying to think of anything but his little brother- which proved harder than he initially imagined.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! First, I would like to apoligise to those who were confused about the reason why Ethan was in this situation. No, this isn't a continuation of 'Seatbelt'. I am doing one, but I'm pre-writing it all rather than writing on the go. But, it should be up soon! Secondly, I would like to thank you for reviewing, and for the additional favourite/follows. It actually does mean a lot! Anyway, it is considerably cooler now, and I have managed to write a longer (well, not that much longer...) chapter! It has taken me a while to actually get this up- the reason being that I had actually written half of it before today, and the other half was written just now, but I was singing throughout it so I kept getting distracted! Would you mind leaving a review? Any feedback is helpful! Enjoy!

Cal slid off the bed and landed in a heap on the floor- to lethargic to even think about moving. He lay there for a couple of minutes- wondering why he had even wanted to get up. Then he mentally kicked himself. He wanted to get up for Ethan. How could he forget his little brother? He dragged his tired body up onto his elbows- finally lifting his face off of the floor. He didn't realise how tired he actually was- especially without the coffee that usually gave him a caffeine boost. He continued to prop himself up- managing to rest on his hands. He dragged his knees up and got up onto his feet, before standing fully- blowing out a breath.

The bed next to him looked so warm and comfortable- he could almost just lie back down. Almost. Ethan came first, and Cal didn't think he could go a second longer without being with Ethan.

He slowly opened the door- instantly blinded by the bright light that assaulted his vision. He slammed the door shut and turned away from the light. He'd been in such a dark room that the light was too much for him to take. He slipped back into the darkness and lay on the bed again. Now he'd been away from Ethan, going back seemed like a hell of a task. Like seeing his brother like that would be like the first time- all over again. It physically hurt Cal's heart. So, Cal shut his eyes and willed himself to sleep.

_Cal audibly sighed as he lent forward on the nurses' station desk. He'd only seen two patients, and they'd already spent him. Well, not patients exactly. Cal wouldn't call them patients. They were drunk frequent flyers. Cal was sick of them- and jealous of his brother (not that he would admit the latter). Ethan managed to get Connie to allow him to work in RECUS. Cal definitely didn't see the logic in that. Ethan was Ethan...Cal, however, was older, taller, more muscular, at ease with words and even cleverer...when he tried._

_Then Cal caught sight of how unhappy Ethan actually looked. He made Cal look a lot happier than he was. "What's up with you?" Cal asked, his tone a little more gloomy than usual due to the patients he'd treated. Cal just noticed the sadness that lingered in Ethan's eyes as his little brother approached him._

_"Oh...er…" Ethan stumbled- only now realising the doctor stood in his path. Ethan shuddered as he recalled the memory. "We lost… I lost…" Ethan corrected himself. Cal could already see where this was going. "...a five year old girl...she was five…" Cal threw Ethan a sympathetic glance, and Ethan shot him a small and sad smile that spoke volumes about Ethan's inner feelings. "I could...I could have save her…" Cal wanted to hit Ethan. Obviously, every doctor he had ever met had thought- at one time or another- that a patients death was their fault. Cal had said that many-a-time, but hearing Ethan, hearing his little brother say that was painful._

_"Who called it?" Cal was genuinely interested. It can't have been Ethan for he blamed himself. It had to be someone else- and that someone could have told Ethan to stop._

_"Lily...she...she suggested it. She told me to...to…" A tear slipped down Ethan's cheek. Ethan never cried- Cal knew that for a fact. This must have hit him hard. "She was five, Cal." Ethan looked Cal dead in the eyes. "She was five." He repeated, sadness invading his words._

Cal's somewhat peaceful slumber was disturbed by someone shaking his shoulder- obviously intending on waking him up. He groaned and rolled over- opening his eyes to find ginger hair being made even more orange by the on-call room lights that had been turned on. Cal sat up groggily and saw a smiling Robyn sitting next to him. "Lily told me you were in here." Robyn said- her normally sweet voice not wavering for a second. Cal gave a confused look back.

"Lily?" His voice- unlike Robyn's- sounded somewhat wounded. Somewhat vulnerable. Robyn nodded. "Wh...how did Lily know I was in here?" He asked. Honey was the one that sent him to the on-call room. How would Honey know he was in here?

"Honey had to get back to work, Lily's on a break, so she offered to be with Ethan." Cal nodded in understanding. That made sense. "I came to see how you were." Robyn said, finally revealing the reason why she was in the on-call room talking to the doctor. Cal didn't answer the question, he opted for another.

"How long have I been in here?" He was, admittedly, getting annoyed at the loss of time he seemed not to be able to get rid of. He quite liked not having a schedule, but he needed to know how long he'd been away from his brother.

"About an hour and a half." Cal jumped- heart racing. He only wanted to spend a little bit of time in the on-call room. Not a freaking hour and a half! Then something clicked.

"Lily should be back to work- surely." Cal was ready to- literally- jump out of the bed and go to Ethan- relieving Lily of it, and letting her get back to work.

"Don't worry, Cal. Seriously. You needed that sleep." Cal huffed. He didn't  _need_  to sleep. Actually, it was the fact that he didn't  _want_  to sleep- no matter how appealing sleep seemed right now. His thoughts- his dreams- were always plagued with nightmares. Nightmares of Ethan. "It will get better Cal." She consoled him.

"When, Robyn?" His voice cracked, and he hoped Robyn didn't hear. "When Ethan wakes up? Can you tell me when that is? From where I'm sitting, it's never. Never!" Cal flopped back onto the bed, a tear rolling down his cheek- dripping onto the pillow that seemed so much softer than usual. Robyn rubbed his back soothingly and, strangely, Cal found comfort in that action. Then he told her what had bothered him all along. "It's my fault."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I have to say, there is something satisfying about uploading when I said. Thank you for the reviews on Chapter 3- they mean a lot, they really do. May I ask if you could be so kind to review on this chapter as well?
> 
> (Putting this on all my current stories, sorry if you've already read it.) Updates...I do try and update when I say I will. About 5% of the time, if I don't update, it will be to do with the case of my memory. Most of the time- 95%- it'll be to do with the fact that I have off days. Basically, when my depression suddenly decides to be horrible to me and make me not enjoy anything and feel so tired all I can think about doing is sleeping and trying not to contemplate life too much. :) So yeah, just a little warning! Hopefully that doesn't happen too often. It seems to have decreased in the last like half a year, so, yay! Anyway, sorry for ranting!
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

"Oh, Cal." Robyn sighed sympathetically. She had an inkling that Cal would blame himself for what happened. She hadn't been there in the initial and frankly crucial stages when Cal was, and she couldn't imagine the pain it brought to Cal. "It isn't your fault." She told him, doubting it made an impact. Cal sat up, not looking at Robyn. He was just staring straight ahead.

"If I had-"

"-no Cal. No ifs. No buts. No maybes. You'll drive yourself crazy with all the different possibilities of everything." Robyn saw Cal look at her properly. He didn't look any different to normal. But, normal nowadays was tiredness, paleness, tears in his eyes, and a look of heart break. Worst of all, no smile. Since the incident, a smile hadn't graced Cal's features. Yes, Cal tried to mask everything with a smile at first. It never reached his eyes. After a while, Robyn knew Cal got sick of pretending. He just gave in to his feelings, gave into reality, and tried to accept Ethan's state. But, no one could, and no can accept it. It's just the way of the world.

"I could have done more, Robyn." Cal said hastily so he wouldn't be interrupted. "I could have done more." He repeated, sounding sadder than before.

Robyn flashed him a quick and sympathetic smile, "I'll tell you a story." Cal looked confused. "You said that you 'could have done more'. Well, we all think like that at one time or another." Cal didn't know where this was going, but he was interested. "I thought that," she said gently, "when someone close to me died-"

"-yes, but I bet they weren't a sibling." Cal spat, although it didn't come across as anger, it only came across angers dread. Robyn couldn't blame him. She placed an arm around his shoulders and continued.

"No, they weren't. He was my father." Cal looked at her in pure terror over what he had said.

"I...I'm sorry, I just..." Cal trailed off. Robyn brought Cal in closer.

"I know you didn't mean anything by it." She told him reassuringly. "Anyway, on with the story."

_20 year old Robyn was lazing about on the sofa, enjoying her summer before she had to go back to university. She had her warm and comfy slippers on that kept her feet nice and cosy. She was in her dressing gown and her pyjamas that had a strange pattern of cats on. She wasn't really a cat person, but they were a nice fabric so Robyn could overlook the cats!_

"I don't like cats much either." Cal butted in. Robyn laughed slightly, she didn't think he was! Maybe he was more of a dog person. Yes, that would make sense. Robyn continued.

_She had just finished watching a movie, and was going to put another one on. It was a lazy day. In the Miller/Walker household, that meant that no one really did anything. They had takeaway for dinner and you could sleep all day! That was something Max would do. Robyn's father, Nick, would also sleep all day. Max's mother, Sarah, would want to be busy but every two weeks (when they had lazy days), but, the other three always managed to persuade her out of her normal routine, so, she would normally sit with her step daughter and watch daytime telly or a movie. The latter was always more appealing._

_Robyn heard heavy footsteps stomp down the stairs. Her father. She heard a slip and thud as he missed the last step and stifled her giggle. He often did that when he was tired, and he was always tired! She thought he was sleeping, though. He always slept right through lazy days until dinner._

"I didn't think anything of it, maybe I should have done." She mused aloud. She could feel tears pricking the corners of her eyes, but carried on nonetheless.

_She continued listening to her father's activities. It sounded like he was getting a glass of water. Sarah went to put another movie on when the sound of glass shattering indicated that Nick was even clumsier when he was tired._ _As if reading his wife's thoughts, Nick spoke. "I've got it." Sarah sat back down, knowing Nick wanted to deal with it alone. Robyn smiled._ _There was another thud and it sounded like Nick had fallen over again. Robyn decided to leave the weary man to do what he intended. She wouldn't want to embarrass him!_

"I should have gone to help straight away." She was verging on berating herself aloud. Cal slipped his arm around her in a way of comfort. He had a feeling he knew what was coming next.

_A couple of minutes had passed, and Robyn couldn't concentrate on anything but her father. It didn't sound like he was doing anything. It was just silence. "Dad?!" She called. "You alright?" No answer. "I'm going to see if he's okay." She told her stepmother._

_"He'll be fine." Sarah brushed off, but Robyn went regardless, sighing at Sarah lack of care in the present situation. To be honest, Sarah was probably right. But Robyn had to choose her gut instinct in this moment._

Cal noticed that Robyn had stopped speaking. She raised a hand to wipe away a stray tear that had dripped down her cheek. "Do you want to stop?" He asked considerately. Robyn shook her head.

_The ginger girl walked into the kitchen, immediately clasping her hand over her mouth to hide her gasp. Her father was sprawled out on the floor- the shattered remains of the glass digging into his arm and back, the blood pouring into the water. He looked deathly pale. He wasn't breathing._ _Robyn stood in mute shock. How long had he been like this? Should she have come sooner to his aid? Should she have recognised something wasn't right? "Call and ambulance!" She shouted._

Robyn wiped a few more of her tears away as she relived that. Sh could still remember the image of her father. It haunted her to this day. "He died." She concluded. Cal glanced sympathetically towards her. "I spent- well, I don't know how long I spent really- but, I spent quite a long time going over what I could have done, how things might have differed if I had helped sooner. Looking back on it, there were signs. I brushed them off." She relayed to him.

"If you don't mind me asking-"

"- a heart attack." Robyn said before Cal asked the question she was expecting. "I stopped blaming myself after a while. I mean, there's still that heir of doubt- the thing that lingers…" She hesitated. "Do you know what I'm getting at?" Cal nodded.

"I think so. But...but how did you get rid of the guilt?" He asked- really needed an answer.

"Time, I guess." Cal huffed. He didn't want it to take time. He wanted to blame, the guilt to be gone. "It differs from person to person, Cal." She reassured him. Cal retracted his arm and pulled away from her.

"Would you mind if I went to Ethan?"

"Of course not, Cal! I think Ethan might be getting bored of Lily's chatter." She half-heartedly joked, making the corners of Cal's mouth twitch up. He remembered the time when his little brother quite liked Lily- the way he liked Honey now.

Cal made his way out of the on-call room, to his brother's room. To ICU. That always made him shiver. The fact that Ethan was in  _intensive_  care. It hit him hard when it was his patients, when it was people he had never met before they came into the ED. But this was Ethan. This was his little brother, and he would never get over that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So, uploaded a bit earlier than usual because I wrote this yesterday! Had nothing to do and inspiration came at me (that being said, it was more than inspiration. I've written up to Chapter 8 now. I have too much free time...)! Thank you for the kind reviews left on the last chapter, and I hope you enjoy this just as much. (Is enjoy even the right word in this story...oh well.) Can you review again? It really helps. I shall leave you to read on!

Cal slowly and quietly opened the door to where Ethan was, seeing the F1 looking at his little brother- tear stained cheeks marking that she'd been crying before Cal had entered the room. The Locum made his way over to her silently, placing a hand on her shoulder and alerting Lily to his presence. Lily didn't even flinch, like she was expecting that the whole time she was in the room. She raised her head slowly and met Cal's eyes. "He will be okay. I know he'll be okay." Cal spoke reassuringly. He wasn't sure how many times he had heard those words told to him, but this was the first time he had said them, aloud, and saying them himself seemed to make him believe it more- albeit he still wasn't entirely sure his little brother would be alright. "He will." Cal repeated, trying to convince himself more than anything else. Lily nodded slowly.

"I know," she whispered, "he's a fighter." Cal nodded his head, by way of agreeing with her, and brought up a chair to sit next to the younger doctor as she was occupying the one he would usually sit in. "How did you sleep?" Cal looked at her for a second or two, debating how to answer. Should he lie and say he slept fine? That would stop her worrying about him- something everyone seemed to do. They all seemed intent on checking up on him.

"Not great."

"Would you like to talk about it?" Lily knew, from experience, that talking about feelings helped. She never thought Cal would change so much over the past months, she always thought of him as a rough, tough, alpha male. Too arrogant and self-centered for his own good. Now she'd realised that it was all just a front. Cal never ran away when things got hard, he didn't drink just for the sake of it, everything he did, every little flaw in his personality was only because he wanted to be strong, he wanted to be there for others, to protect others, to not get hurt himself.

But now she'd seen a different side of him. He seemed to be slowly breaking and he needed people to help him- not that he'd admit it. Now Ethan wasn't there, Cal didn't have to keep up his rough, tough act and pretend everything was alright when it wasn't. Now Ethan wasn't there, Cal- like many others would anyway- didn't care about showing his emotions.

"I can't sleep," he started, close to crying, "whenever I do, I seem to get transported back...transported back  _then_." He admitted- finding a little more relief with every word he spoke. "It's like I can't escape. It's like I'm trapped in the past, and there's no way out." Cal's voice cracked and he turned away from Lily, wiping away his tears frantically. He felt Lily's hand intertwine in his own and he turned back to meet her sympathetic smile.

_Ethan sat down with Zoe in the relatives room, facing the mother of the 5 year old girl he couldn't save. He failed to save her and now there was a mother about to be told she had lost her little girl. He would never imagine what that would be like. Of course, he knew how it was to lose a parent- but a child that you had created- a child so young...it was truly heart-breaking. He had delivered news like this a handful of times- each time, the relative would react differently. There was no telling whether they'd be angry, sad, crying or just silent. Sometimes Ethan wished that emotions were the same for everyone._

_"Mrs Otto-"_

_"-call me Autumn." She said, looking more than worried at the two doctors who had solemn looks pasted on their faces. Zoe nodded for Ethan to continue, he hesitated, then did just that._

_"Very well," Ethan continued, "Autumn, I'm afraid that your daughter...I'm afraid that Lucy suffered... intensive... injuries to her head and to her chest-" Autumn interrupted again. It would be much easier, Ethan thought, to tell her if she stayed silent._

_"She's not dead, is she? She can't be dead! She's five, she's only five years old! She's just a child, she has her whole life ahead of her!" The distraught mother wailed. Ethan looked pleadingly towards Zoe, begging her silently to take over. She had already guessed that her daughter had died. Mother's instinct, perhaps?_

_"I'm very sorry, we both are. We did all that we could, we tried everything, but we...her injuries were just too severe...we lost her about 15 minutes ago." Zoe finished for Ethan. Both doctors saw Autumn break down in front of them. She screamed into her hands for her child, crying hysterically. Begging for Lucy, begging and begging._

_A novice when it came to things like this, Ethan just sat still. Tears threatened to fall for the second time that day. He saw Zoe sit by her and pull the woman in for a hug, letting Autumn cry herself out on Zoe's shoulder. Zoe rubbed small circles on the crying woman's back, by way of comforting her._

_It must have been about 7 minutes, Ethan guessed, before she was calming down. He watched her pull away from Zoe's grasp. "I need to get home." She stated suddenly. Zoe and Ethan were both surprised at this._

_"Don't you want-" Ethan started._

_"-no! I need to get home. I need my husband. I need to tell him." She explained frantically._

_"We can ring him-"_

_"-no!" She protested again. "I can't be here. I-" She stopped short and darted out of the room, leaving two shocked doctors behind._

Lily removed Cal's hand from her grasp and slowly stood up. Cal tried to grab her hand back but she retracted her arm. Cal looked pleadingly at Lily, but she shook her head. "I have to get back to work." She sighed. "Even though Connie allowed me to come here, I think I've overstayed." Lily continued. Cal shrugged at looked down at Ethan while Lily went away- the door clicking shut behind her. Then it clicked open again. Maybe Lily had second thoughts? Cal hoped, anyway. He quite liked being kept company. Sometimes he liked it, sometimes he didn't. Now, though, he needed someone by him.

His head rose and he saw Zoe stood in the doorway. "Would you like to be alone?" She asked considerately. After seeing Lily leave, she guessed as much. Cal slowly shook his head.

"Please stay." He begged. Zoe smiled sadly and occupied Lily's now empty seat. "Lily had to go back to work." He voice was that of a mere whisper- but it was a whisper filled with emotion. "I don't think I can cope with this for much longer."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! The reveal of what actually happened to Ethan is getting closer and closer. I've already written it, but it's not for a few chapters yet! Thank you for the amazing reviews, and I'm glad I've written it so it is emotional. That is what I strive for! Anyway, would you mind reviewing? On with chapter 6.

"You're strong Cal, you can get through this." Zoe doubted that would do much good. Cal just shrugged in return. He wasn't strong. He cried every other day, he couldn't get Ethan out of his mind, he blamed himself. Should it have gotten easier? It had been two months. Maybe it was the pure fact that he can't live without his little brother.

"Do you think I'm to blame?" He muttered. He still blamed himself, but did other people blame him too? Zoe looked at him in shock.

"No way, Cal. You know the person that is to blame, but it isn't you." She spoke- Cal could hear the certainty in her voice, and when did Zoe get things wrong? The feeling still didn't shift, though.

"I could have been faster-"

"-Cal! You are not to blame! What happened was tragic, but you work in the accident and emergency department. You've worked on young people and old people alike, you've given grieving relatives bad news and good news, you know how they react. Every time it is different. You know all this Cal."

"I suppose." He brushed off, focusing back on his brother.

_"Ethan!_ _**"** _ _Zoe called to the young doctor, currently looking over interesting case notes. His head shot up. "Autumn," she started, unsure of how to continue._

_Ethan chuckled, "it's the summer."_

_"No, no. Autumn Otto, the mother of Lucy Otto." She explained. It hit Ethan. That was the child he couldn't save, the five year old who lost her life a couple of hours previously. "She's been in in a car accident." Ethan swore under his breath. He could easily guess how. "She was in the wrong lane, Ethan-"_

_"-condition? What is her condition?" He didn't need to know the details of how the accident was caused._

_"Not good." Zoe told him slowly. "Would you like to lead?" Somehow, Ethan felt a sense of duty to treat her. He had been there when her daughter died, when giving the bad news, and now he was going to be there when she fought for survival._

_"Yes, yes. Lily too...definitely Lily too." She'd been there before, and she had to be there again. Zoe nodded hastily ahead led Ethan through to RECUS._

_Ethan gasped. She was a mess. Her leg was twisted at an unusual angle- bone protruding. Her head was bleeding badly, she had glass from the windshield, he guessed, lodged into her face and arms, her breaths were short and minimal...Ethan didn't see how she was still alive. There were chances of internal bleeding, major head injuries, major blunt chest injuries..._

_The bursting open of the doors to RECUS told him that Lily was now present. He could see, out of the corner of his eye, Zoe was stood in the room- watching, and now relaying her condition._

_"Ah, Lily. This is Autumn Otto, 34. Been involved in an RTC...on the wrong side of the motor way. BP is 90/60, GCS 6, stats 90%, resp rate 12. She was unconscious at the scene, briefly regained it in the ambulance where 10mg of morphine was administered. She lost it soon after. Suspected brake of the tibia, blunt chest trauma, and a head injury that could be minor, we don't know. Neck to be cleared still, but there is bruising at the back of it. Glass in her arms, shoulders and face from where the windshield broke." Zoe relayed the information without hesitation- sounding as professional as always. The same couldn't be said for Ethan. He was staring blankly at the still body. Instructions flying over his head. He found the energy to say one of the most important pieces of information._

_"She's Lucy mother. The five year old that died here a couple of hours ago." He whispered to the F1. Lily looked back at him in shock, before shaking herself out of it. It was was a hard loss, but maybe she could save the mother where she failed the child._

_Ethan, Lily, and a couple of nurses worked tirelessly trying to keep Autumn alive and stable. Zoe watched on- like Autumn's husband, who had been called, did through the window of RECUS, unable to do anything but watch his wife slowly deteriorate._

_Ethan knew he had to keep doing this. He led on both Lucy's and Autumn's cases. He let one die, and he couldn't let the other. The husband would be alone, he would have lost his child and wife on the same day, in the same hospital, with the same doctor running it._

_What Ethan didn't know, though, was that his life depended on what happened in the ED. His life depended on his mistakes, his actions, and most of all, himself._

"It doesn't get any easier, does it?" Zoe asked rhetorically. "I mean, he's been in here for a couple of months, but you don't get used to it."

"I don't want to get used to it." Cal spoke, voice trembling. Zoe looked mildly taken aback. Surely one would want to get used to it so it lessens the pain slightly?

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to get used to the fact that Ethan, that my little brother, the person I'd sworn to protect from the moment he was born, the person who's a hell of a lot more responsible than me, who's a much better doctor than me, the person who's saved countless amounts of lives, the person who cared for our dying mother, the person who tells me stories of what she was like when I ran away from it all, the person who I comforted when we were hiding from our abusive father, the person that stayed with me when my father was coming for me even though he'd get hurt if he did, the person who protected me like I protected him, the person who almost died 11 months ago in a stupid car crash, the person that I could never live without is probably never going to wake up!" He shouted, reaching the end of his tether.

"Cal-"

"-get out." He interrupted. "Just leave!" He repeated upon seeing Zoe hesitate. "Now!" Zoe wasn't offended- she knew how much this was getting to Cal. She remembered when Nick Jordan had a brain tumour. That got to her hard, and he wasn't even her relative. She obediently did as she was told and made her way out of the room- shutting the door on the way out.

Through it, she could hear Cal properly crying- sobbing into the sheets, muffling the painful wailing that Cal desperately did- screaming for his little brother to wake up. It broke her heart, but she didn't go back in there. She would only be on the receiving end of Cal's obvious anger. She knew he wasn't angry towards her- more angry with what happened to Ethan.

She'd only heard him properly break like that once before. The moment he was told his little brother's condition. He didn't calm down for a while afterwards. If that wasn't proof that he cared so much that words couldn't describe it, than nothing was.

Cal calmed down- after God knows how long- and wiped his eyes, feeling dreadful. This was is, wasn't it? Ethan wasn't going to wake up. It was hitting Cal like a ton of bricks. He looked at his brother, he looked at his brother's notes, he looked all around at the machines keeping Ethan alive. Cal was certain Ethan wasn't going to wake up. What was the point of even being in Ethan's room? It wasn't like Ethan was aware of anything around him. He was in a never ending sleep. Cal rose and made his way to the door- hand ghosting over the handle. He was done with this. Just done.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! This chapter was written on the 19 July- the same day as Chapter 5, and I've been so excited to upload it since then, but I wanted to be mean and keep you guys waiting! (That sounded worse than I intended :)!) I do have a bit of a longer one for you today (longer then I would usually write, anyway), mainly because I got carried away! One more thing, sorry in advance for the ending sentence of this chapter! I hope you enjoy!

Cal stole one last painful glance at Ethan before leaving his little brother's room, and slamming the door shut out of pure and utter frustration. He  _vowed_  he would never leave Ethan alone, he vowed he would always be by his side, watching over him, protecting him almost. Yet, here he was, deserting Ethan. Leaving his little brother all alone. Cal felt a tear trickle down his cheek but he wiped it away hastily- rubbing his hands over his eyes in an attempt to dry them. He was emotional right at the beginning. No more. Ethan wasn't dead, but Cal definitely didn't feel he was alive. There was no point being upset about that. He'd seen it in his job many times. There was, however, that little nagging voice at the back of his head.  _Go back; be with your little brother. How can you justify Ethan's state? Don't leave him._  Cal shook it off. He didn't care.

He started to make his way towards the ED- the only place he'd been trying to avoid ever since Ethan ended up in ITU. But, it was the quickest and easiest way out of the hospital. And Cal really just wanted to get out of the hospital. If he just put on a brave face and walked straight out, no one would question him. That's what he hoped, anyway.

A few of his colleagues spotted him- and were very surprised to see him in the ED. They knew he'd been trying to avoid it- doing whatever he could to avoid going to the ED. Usually he'd be with Ethan. Usually he would be keeping his little brother company. He'd always been very reluctant to leave him. What would cause this? They all prayed that nothing bad… nothing worse had happened to Ethan that would cause Cal to pay a visit to the ED.

They all hoped Ethan wasn't dead.

Zoe and Max were at reception when they spotted Cal walking down the stairs- looking like he always did. Pale-faced, tear-stained cheeks, red-rimmed eyes, hunched and tense shoulders. It never changed. It's like he was in a permanent state of despair. But it seemed different. It was like he had no hope left to cling onto. Like hope had just deserted him.

They both approached Cal slowly- stepping in his path. Zoe knew what was happening. She had, of course, been on the receiving end of Cal venting his feelings. But, even now, why would Cal leave Ethan? Why would he leave the person he wanted to always protect? Cal jumped suddenly when he noticed them- he was so oblivious of his surroundings these days. "Everything okay, Cal?" Zoe asked. Such a stupid question. A few minutes ago, Cal had shouted odds at her.

Cal looked up- sending an annoyed look in her direction and shaking his head. "Really? You really just asked that?!" He shouted at her. Max felt the urge to protect his girlfriend, but decided against it. That wasn't what Cal needed. Cal needed support; he needed someone to listen calmly to whatever he had to say.

"I'm sorry, Cal. It was a stupid question." Cal huffed in agreement, before barging past her. "Wait!" Zoe called after him. The male doctor stopped in his tracks and spun around looking more annoyed than ever.

"What is it?" He spat- looking slightly angry. Both Zoe and Max, and practically everyone else, needed answers to why Cal was down in the ED- it was so unlike him nowadays. Maybe Ethan had deteriorated but Cal was keeping it to himself? They damn well hoped not.

"Where are you going?" Max questioned, stepping towards Cal. The Locum shrugged his shoulders.

"Anywhere away from here." He responded simply.

"Aren't you going to stay with Ethan?" Zoe queried- confused. Cal would always be with him- why not now?

Cal's temper snapped in half like a twig. "What's the point?!" He shouted. "What's the bloody point of being with him when he won't ever wake up?! What's the point of being with him when he doesn't even know you're there?! He's practically dead! Ethan is practically dead!" His shouts echoed through the whole department- catching the attention of everyone- before Cal stormed out and away from the hospital.

Zoe exchanged a wary glance with Max. It seemed the last couple of months were finally catching up on him.

_Ethan slammed his fist down onto the lid of the sharps bin, making everything inside shake loudly. "No!" He protested. "She isn't gone until I call it!" He knew it wasn't looking good. She'd been down 30 minutes. Her heart hadn't been keeping her alive for 30 minutes. Ethan listed her injuries in his head. Broken neck, brain hemorrhage, both pupils blown, tamponade, collapsed lung, loss of blood to her lower leg. She was dead. No output for 30 minutes. Ethan knew, he knew she,_

_"she isn't coming back." Zoe spoke Ethan's thoughts._

_"One more cycle." He told Zoe, who didn't make a move to start CPR. Ethan watched her for a few moments. She even stepped down. Lily had stopped the bag and mask. "Fine, I'll do it myself." He said through gritted teeth. He was already tired from doing it- but if it meant reviving someone, bringing someone back- recuperating a human life- then it was worth it._

_"Ethan," Zoe laid her hands over Ethan's just as he was about to start, "you can't bring her back to life." She shook her head in dread and saw tears building up behind Ethan's glasses. "Step down, Ethan." Zoe commanded gently. Ethan withdrew his hands and stepped down slowly, wiping a finger under his eye to catch the stray tear ready to fall._

_"Time of death, 15:00." He spoke through a lump in his throat, watching as Lily stepped down and bowed her head in remorse. "I better go and tell the husband." He said coldly to himself. He had to tell him he'd failed the mother- like he failed the child when she was under his care. He'd failed the man's family members on the same day. It wasn't just a coincidence, was it? He was just about to walk off when he felt a gentle hand on his arm._

_"I can do it if you want." Zoe suggested sweetly. Ethan hesitated for a moment or two._

_"It's fine. I better do it. See you after." He had messed up on his own, this time. With Lucy, Zoe helped at first. This time, she didn't as much, so Ethan didn't want her help delivering the bad news._

_Ethan shuffled his feet all the way to the relatives' room where the husband was brought, reluctantly, by Robyn after his wife had crashed. The door creaked open, the bad news lingering on his lips for the second time that day. He knew there was no backing out now. However much he wanted to run away from the hospital, he had to do this. It was right._

_He could see the Robyn comforting the man about to receive bad news, and asked her to wait outside. Robyn obediently did as she was told, sensing that they couldn't revive Autumn. Her heart clenched for the husband and father that lost two people. It must have been even worse for the doctors and nurses involved. She left the room without a word, standing just outside; ready to give the support that Ethan probably wouldn't manage to give._

_Ethan sat beside the man who was trembling with sheer worry. He took the man's hand in his own and introduced himself. "I'm Dr. Hardy; I treated your wife and your daughter." He spoke as calmly as he could- though he could hear his own voice shaking._

_"Eric, Eric Otto." The man returned, shaking Ethan's hand. "I've already lost my daughter… please… please tell me I haven't lost my wife… I can't lose my wife…"_

_"I am afraid that Autumn came in with injuries that we just couldn't fix in time. We tried everything we could to save her...I tried everything I could. Her injuries were just too severe." Ethan told him sadly. Instead of crying, like Ethan expected Eric to, the man rose with anger bubbling away inside of him. Ethan's eyes widened in shock. Yes, people handle grief differently, but this man was almost twice the size of Ethan._

_"You treated my daughter and my wife! You let them both die! What sort of a doctor are you?!" Ethan stood up, a whole head height shorter than Eric. He was more than intimidating. He didn't know how to oppose this, for Ethan believed it himself. "I need to see her." Eric concluded before storming past Ethan in the direction of RECUS._

_A moment later, Robyn entered the relatives' room. "He's right." The doctor said, more to himself than to Robyn. Robyn, who had heard the grieving man's outburst knew what Ethan was referring too, but she had nothing to say to counteract it. Of course, she didn't believe it herself, but she didn't know how to convince Ethan otherwise. There was no need, though, for a moment later, Ethan left the room too._

_Cal saw a red faced man burst into RECUS. He looked angry. It didn't bother Cal that much- he didn't know the man, and none of his patients did, but the fact he saw his little brother come up to him a few seconds later after staring at the man made him think that Ethan had something to do with it. His gut instinct told him this wasn't good. This wasn't good at all._

_"Lucy's father… the five year old's father…" Ethan stumbled, "he's just lost his wife too." Ah. That's what happened. "I was leading both cases, and they both died. Same family, same day, same hospital, same doctor." His little brother concluded. Cal grasped Ethan's arms and saw his gaze not fully focused on anything through the tears he was trying to keep at bay._

_"Don't do this, Ethan. It was not your fault, no way. Just an unlucky coincidence." Ethan huffed in disbelief, a tear dripping down his cheek. Cal released Ethan's arms, and Ethan darted off- needing to compose himself properly. No way would he cry like he did earlier._

_Cal watched his brother's retreating back and hovered outside RECUS, listening to the man talking to his dead wife. He only heard one thing but walked away after, deciding enough was enough. That one sentence made him shiver and feel sick. It was horrid. "That doctor, the one with glasses," he spoke to his wife, "is going to get what's coming to him, don't worry."_

Max wandered into the Hope and Anchor at the end of his shift- surprised to see Cal hunched over the bar with dozens of empty shot glasses by him. Max shook his head in worry for the younger man- who was currently nursing some vodka. Max sighed audibly. In the recess of his mind, he predicted Cal would turn to alcohol eventually. He sort of hoped it wouldn't happen, after all, Cal had promised Ethan (when he thought no one was listening) that he would stay away from the drink. Maybe it just got too much for him- if Cal's shouting rant earlier was anything to go by, then Max was right. Maybe it just all became over-powering.

The porter made his way over to the hunched figure and watched as Cal took a long gulp from his glass- almost finishing it. He knew he had to do something before Cal did something reckless. He wasn't the type to be aggressive when drunk- no, he was a ' _happy drunk_ '. A ' _one-night-stand drunk_ ', but by judging the amount Cal had drunk, Max wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't just a ' _happy drunk_ '. He'd never known Cal to drink  _that_  much before. Of course, he had his moments, but never one like this before.

Max was just about to alert Cal to his presence, when he saw a couple more people enter. Rita and Lofty. They looked worriedly towards Cal, but Max gave them a small shake of his head- telling them not to intervene just yet.

Coming to think more about it, Max couldn't just smell the general alcohol stench in the pub, it was radiating off of Cal. This was just too bad, and Max had to help Cal sort himself out. If he wasn't feeling up to going back to Ethan, maybe he could persuade Zoe to allow him to bring Cal back to where they lived? Or maybe back to Lofty's and Robyn's place. He'd been there once or twice before when he'd kipped on the sofa after a long night of drinking, but this wasn't just a case of, ' _let him sleep it off_ ', it was a case of, ' _he'll probably drink so much he'll poison himself_ ', and Max wouldn't and couldn't let that happen.

"Cal?" Cal ignored him. He didn't need this right now. "Cal, mate?" Max sat next to Cal and Cal turned round to face him. He didn't look too pleased to see Max there.

"Get lost." He growled, turning back around and staring into his glass, somehow hoping it would magically refill, hoping it would stop everything bad happening in his life.

"Cal, you need to stop…" Max tried. Cal just took another gulp from his glass- finishing it off. He went to get another, but Max stopped him.

"No." Cal objected.

"Yes, Cal. You have to stop. It's not healthy." He reasoned. Max noticed tears spiking the corners of Cal's eyes. It was obvious Cal was trying to keep in his crying. He must be tearing himself up inside.

"Leave me be." Cal replied gruffly, hoping the porter didn't hear his obviously trembling voice. Max turned around to see Rita and Lofty had their eyes fixed on what was unfolding.

"What do I do?" Max mouthed to the two nurses. They both shrugged their shoulders. Great, Max was on his own.

"Cal, please…" Cal stood up and faced Max- who stood too. "We can talk about this, yeah? Or you can go up and be with Ethan."

"Fine," Cal started, raising his voice, "you want me to be with Ethan, I'll be with Ethan." He replied- voice breaking under the strain of Cal trying to keep it together. In no time at all, Cal was out of the pub. Max didn't know whether to follow him and keep an eye on the drunken doctor. What if he did something reckless? No one was at their best while drunk. And no one would be at their best if they had drunk the amount of alcohol that Cal had drunk. Following Cal would definitely be for the best.

Max ran up behind Cal- a couple of meters behind all the way, through the ED, up the stairs, and followed Cal all the way to ITU. Cal looked halfway between upset and annoyed. Max wanted to stop him barging into his little brother's room for fear he would do something reckless.

Max followed after him and stood in the doorway. His worst fears were confirmed as he saw Cal switching off everything that was keeping Ethan alive.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people reading this! This has been written since July 19. I was so excited, like the last chapter, to put it up. Sorry again for the ending of the last chapter as well. It was cruel of me! Thank you for your reviews so far, and I'm glad you like this story. May I ask you to leave feedback again? Bit of a longer one today, and I hope it satisfies!

Max ran up to Cal and grabbed his arms- restraining him. He gruffly pulled Cal away from everything and called for help. He could see how Ethan's chest wasn't rising or falling. That meant that Ethan wasn't breathing. Cal had turned off the ventilator. One of the things keeping Ethan alive. The monitors weren't on either. Max guessed that if they were on, there would be a flat line. It had been two months, and it seemed that it had finally got to Cal. Yes, he was drunk, but something told Max that it wasn't just Cal's drunken state that made him do this.

"Easy, Cal. Just calm down." He spoke soothingly upon seeing doctors rush into the room and try to connect everything up again. They were rushing around the younger doctor- seeing if any of it affected him. Max knew that if Cal had caused any more damage, then he would never forgive himself. "Just breathe, Cal." He continued, whispering. He pulled Cal back slightly- giving everyone their space to save Ethan's life.

Cal seemed to calm down in Max's grasp, and Max took this as a good sign. "It's alright, Cal." The porter continued, calming down the distraught man trying to end his little brother's life. "Just relax." Max felt Cal trying to get out of his grip, and Max tried his hardest to keep him back. Cal finally managed to wrestled out of Max's grip and spin round to face the porter.

"He's never going to wake up…" Cal whispered- tears slipping down his cheeks. Something told Max that Cal's emotions weren't amplified by the drink, but because of the roar emotion he felt for his brother.

Max wracked his brain but he didn't know how to reassure Cal. He wasn't in the medical profession and didn't know how bad Ethan's condition was. Even though Max saw the swarm of medical professionals scuttling around and talking in hushed voices, he could only  _guess_  that his condition was bad. "Stay positive," was what Max decided upon in the end... not that it had much impact.

Max watched, worriedly, as Cal's eyes suddenly went wide and his breathing hitched- looking stone cold sober all of a sudden. There were beads of sweat slowly making their way down his face, almost like he'd been burnt. He span around frantically and fixed his eyes on Ethan. "Please tell me I haven't… he's not de… he can't be… I…" He couldn't form his words through all his worry- his mouth just didn't seem to want to co-operate. Did he just kill his brother? He couldn't have done. He was already half-dead. They would be able to save him, right? Cal didn't mean to do what he did, he just knew Ethan wasn't getting better. He just wanted Ethan's pain to stop. Ethan might have even been aware of something. Cal just wanted Ethan to suffer no longer in a state of limbo. He would be happier if he wasn't trying to keep alive. He would have been in a better place.

Max put a comforting but steadying hand on Cal's back like was going to topple to the floor. Given his current state, Max wouldn't be surprised. He felt Cal lean a little back into his hand- willing for comfort, almost.

Dr McKay, the person in charge of Ethan's care, walked slowly up to the older brother who had a look of terror gracing his face. "Right," he spoke professionally- his tone not wavering for a second, "it looks like there is no further damage, but we will need to monitor him even closer if he wakes." Cal shuddered. Not only because the word ' _if'_  seemed to echo in his mind, but he could have done even more damage to his baby brother. What if he  _had_  injured him further? Compared to what happened, what Ethan had to go through... Cal could have made it a hundred times worse. He would never forgive himself.

_The blonde doctor couldn't shake the feeling that he was being followed. He'd felt it all the way from the hospital. He'd turn back and see something skulk back into the shadows. Then he'd continue walking- eyes in front- and the hairs on the back of his neck would stand up by way of warning him that he wasn't safe. Saying that it was scaring Ethan was an understatement._

_Ethan was on his break. Not only to get some air and clear his mind- his shift had taken so much out of him- but also because he decided to get a little something for Honey. It was- and Ethan felt stupid for forgetting- Honey's birthday in less than a week. Ethan knew he would be better doing this in advance. He'd once left Caleb's birthday present to the last minute (i.e. he completely forgot), which resulted in the younger of the two getting soaked with water by the older of the two. In winter. In the snow. He didn't want anything of the sort to happen again!_

_It was only when he left the shop that the paranoia finally left him. He felt somewhat lighter and started on his journey back- bag holding the present and card in hand. Ethan hoped Honey would like it. It was a cute little pink bear- holding a heart that read '_ Honey' _. Ethan knew that it had Honey's name on it as a form of greeting- instead of an actual name. Oh well, that wasn't how Ethan hoped she'd interpret it._

_It was only about two minutes into the walk back to the ED, when Ethan heard a cry- well, more of a desperate plea for help. Ethan, being Ethan, immediately rushed towards the sound of the voice- finding himself down a dark alley way. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end once again, and he could feel himself shaking from the freight of the unknown._

" _Hello? Anyone there?" He called into the darkness. He heard the sound of crying and walked further towards it. "Hello? My name's Ethan, I'm a doctor." There was a few seconds of silence where he stood still and heard the shuffling of feet. He walked further into the darkness again, but he couldn't stop the events that happened just seconds later. It was all so fast. Everything was all so fast._

_Ethan felt a strong and sharp pain on his right side, he felt something plunge deep inside of his stomach, before it was retracted- making him feel weak from the sheer amount of force it administered. He took a quick glimpse at the person who dashed past him- he didn't recognise him. He didn't know his face. He didn't really care at the minute. The man ran out into the sunlight- out of the alley. A glint of sunlight reflected off of the silver knife he held in his hand- blood dripping from it. Ethan's blood._

_Ethan dropped the bag, the teddy rolling out of it. He fell back against the wall, breathing heavily. There was no one around. He placed his hand on the right side of his stomach, feeling the blood mercilessly leaving his body. He could feel how much blood he was losing- the sight of his blood-stained hand through his blurry vision confirmed that. He needed help, and he knew that. He continued to press his hand to his stomach, worrying about the amount of blood that was coming from the wound. It was too much- he was sure of that._

_His hands were weak, and his breath was getting shorter as he rested on the floor. He fumbled around for his phone, getting it out of his pocket and bringing it up to his line of vision. He could see black spots dance mockingly across his vision, preventing him from focusing fully on doing what he needed to do. The bright screen didn't help matters as his fingers clumsily pressed various buttons. He tried the pin to unlock his phone but got it wrong. He couldn't really remember it. He thought hard- very hard. He tried something else. It worked. He would have smiled if he had the energy. His hand hovered over the speed-dial of his brother, but the tiredness was overcoming him and he wasn't entirely sure if he could speak._

_He pushed the button down wearily and slowly brought the phone to his ear- feeling himself sliding down the wall further. He tried to sit up more but didn't manage it. His wound was still bleeding heavily and he hoped Cal would answer. He needed help or else he would die. He winced visibly at the sharp ringing that seemed to echo through his mind. Every ring of the phone brought more and more pain to him. Then a voice could be heard- the harmonious voice that reminded Ethan that he was still in need of help._

" _Ethan?" He heard his brother's voice come through the phone, and he struggled to talk- still gasping for breath. "Ethan, are you okay?" The worry was unmistakable is his brother's voice, and Ethan knew he had to talk. Somehow, he had to find the energy to communicate with his brother. "Ethan? Talk to me, Ethan!" His head was fuzzy as he tried to form the words._

" _H…he…lp…" He gasped, already feeling his energy drain from him. His hand was slipping from the phone as he desperately tried to keep hold of it. He felt the energy slipping from the grasp he held tightly on the phone. Ethan took his blood-stained away from his stomach and reached the short distance and grasped the teddy- almost like a lifeline. His hand turned the teddy from a light pink to a crimson red. He was brought back to the present by his brother's voice._

" _Tell me what happened, Ethan. Where are you?" Ethan didn't think he could hold on much longer. The spots in his vision seemed to be growing in both size and number. He could see the bright headlights through the darkened alley- just blurred patches of light. He could still feel his glasses resting on his nose, meaning his vision was going blurry- it wasn't just his glasses slipping off of his face. He could feel himself growing dizzier and he could feel the blood that had soaked his shirt still dripping from his side._

_He thought hard about where he was. He couldn't really make sense of everything but he had to retrace his steps from the shop. He was in an alleyway off of a road. What road? "Or…ch…a…rd… W…ay…" He finally said. Ethan gulped in as much air as he could, but he found that he couldn't say anymore. He felt the distant sound of the phone clattering on the ground as it left his hand. He knew he couldn't stay awake much longer and gave into the tiredness, letting the black spots dominate his vision. Ethan felt his body grow weak and knew this would probably be his last moment alive. He wanted all the pain and tiredness he felt to end and closed his eyes. He felt himself being consumed by darkness, forgetting about the help that was coming. He wanted the pain to end but knew he was dying. The pink teddy rested in his outstretched hand in his palm. It was blood-soaked like the ground beneath the unconscious figure that was Ethan._ _Pale, bleeding, dying._

Max had led Cal away from his little brother, and they were now sitting in the staffroom. Cal had taken some paracetamol tablets, and was now drinking coffee- slowly. Max didn't want to leave Cal alone, not just yet. He was still slightly drunk, and he'd nearly harmed Ethan even more. He could tell it physically hurt Cal when he thought back to what he did. All Max could do now was try and keep Cal away from Ethan and keep him thinking about anything but what he had done. Not that he could manage the latter.

What stunned Max was how Cal kept it together for so long. He managed to stay strong-ish for two months. Then he spiraled down. He must have been so upset and mortified when he imagined Ethan never waking up again that he finally snapped. Max was very thankful that he had followed Cal. If he didn't, Cal might have left Ethan dead. Cal would never be able to live with himself- Max knew that much.

"I feel sick." Cal commented, pushing the coffee away. The doctor didn't know whether it was the amount of alcohol he had consumed, or the pure fact that he could have caused so much damage to his brother. He settled on both of them in equal measure. "What if he doesn't wake up? What if I've caused Ethan never to wake up?" Max sat in silence. He didn't know how to answer the questions so just stayed quiet. "I just wanted to... I wanted to end his pain." Cal justified. "I wanted to stop his suffering... he must be in so much pain." Cal spoke through a lump in his throat. Max put a hand on Cal's back by way of reassuring him. He knew Ethan wasn't in any pain, he was unconscious, but it obviously wasn't how Cal saw it. "I wanted him to leave to a better place... it's not like he's going to wake up... he never will..." Cal sobbed, "but I didn't want him to be in pain... this way he didn't have to keep fighting... it's a lost cause. Ethan's dead."

Max looked at Cal sympathetically. "You can't think like that, Cal. Ethan is still up there, fighting. After everything that's happened, he's still fighting. Just remember that. Ethan won't let that person win, that's why he's not giving into anything."

Cal turned his attention back to his coffee, staring at the cup. "I'm going to kill that guy." It sounded, to Max, like a threat- a promise even. Like Cal really would kill him. Cal wasn't the murdering type. Maybe he just meant he'd give him a shiner; a black eye that would last a week or something. Cal didn't need to do that. Max wanted to do that- and he knew almost everyone would. No one hurts one of their own and gets away with it. He had even heard Jacob Masters say it. Ethan hadn't known Jacob properly, and vice versa. Jacob only starting at the ED a day before, but they worked in the same place, and that was a good enough reason for anyone.

"Did you hear what happened with Cal?" Zoe asked Connie as she took a seat opposite the Clinical Lead. Connie nodded slowly. Zoe had noticed a difference in Connie. It was almost like she had changed. She was definitely more caring, and she was glad. She had been giving Cal all the support he needed since what happened with Ethan. Zoe had promised to keep her updated with everything going on, and right now, Cal effectively trying to kill Ethan was one of the things Connie had to know.

"Apparently, he drank his soul away in alcohol then…" Connie couldn't continue- a lump had formed in her throat. The sheer thought of what Cal did made her heart clench.

"..tried to end Ethan's life." Zoe's voice cracked as she finished for her. They both knew it sounded worse than it was. He was just ending Ethan's pain. He thought his brother would never wake up again. They both understood his reasoning, even though it sent shivers down their spines.

"Any more damage?" Connie asked, silently praying that nothing worse had happened.

"Not that they know of. Time will tell, I guess." Zoe responded sadly. "Cal will tear himself up if he's done something to Ethan." Zoe sighed and Connie nodded, once again agreeing. Cal would do more than tear himself up. He'd probably drink so much he'd poison himself, and it probably wouldn't be an accident.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you so much for the positive reviews on the last chapter! I'm so glad that you finally know what happened to Ethan. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Cal shuddered. He'd spent some time with Max in the staffroom now. After talking for a little bit, they'd stayed in silence. Cal simply didn't know what to say. His mind kept wondering to his little brother, but he just had to push it to the back of his mind. It made him feel sick.

"Why don't you go up and see him?" Max asked gently. Cal looked at Max with a wide-eyed stare out of disbelief.

"I don't want to go back up there, Max." Cal spoke, utterly broken. "I can't bear to see him." Cal thought about all the machines, all the wires, all the tubes. It was a terrible sight but Cal had gotten used to it... almost. Now all he thought about was when he turned them all off. He tried to kill his little brother.

"Sorry, you don't have to see him if you don't want to." The porter reassured him. Cal didn't feel reassured at all. He was glad Max was still with him. He was glad Max restrained hi, that he brought him to the staffroom and listened to Cal ramble. He was glad to have some company and to have someone looking out for him. But that didn't change what he did.

"I could have killed him... my own brother. He could have permanent brain damage because of me!" Cal exclaimed, nearly hitting his hand onto the counter out of frustration.

"You can't think like that, Cal," said Max. "Dr McKay said there was a possibility, remember? Nothing's certain." He reminded the crushed man sitting next to him.

"You say that, but we might never know. He might never wake up." Cal felt a couple of tears trickle down his cheeks. Then he remembered something he should never have forgotten. "Have you seen Zoe?"

"No, I've been with you, remember?" Max laughed. "I can help you look for her, if you like. What do you need her for?"

"I think I may need to apologise to her. I got angry at her… she didn't deserve to be shouted at… I was just… not myself." He thought back to when she was trying to help him, but he just lashed out and shouted at her. It was wrong, and he needed to put it right.

Max smiled. "I'm sure she didn't mind, Cal."

"I still need to apologise."

"Okay, let's go then." Max announced, standing up. Cal also stood, leaving behind his and Max's barely drunk coffees. He stopped in the doorway, momentarily closing his eyes and unwillingly remembering when his entire world stopped. When his world fell apart.

_Cal was unusually worried. His little brother hadn't come back from his break. That sort of thing was strange in Ethan. If he ever needed to go somewhere, he would ask Cal to cover for him. He would never risk getting in trouble with Mrs Beauchamp. But, not this time. So, where was he? Cal checked the time on his phone (his stupid and utterly unreliable watch had stopped working roughly twenty minutes before hand) and sighed at how late Ethan was coming back from his break. He slipped his phone back into his pocket and decided to cover for Ethan and make sure none of his patients breached._

_Ethan did have a rough start to the shift; losing a mother and a daughter. Maybe he was just taking a little time to himself, a little more time than he would usually have to gather his head and thoughts together. But that still seemed unlike Ethan. He would sit in the staffroom with a coffee, not go walkabout and stay out._

_Then Cal's mind thought back to the father and husband whose patients died. The chilling thing he said to his dead wife echoed through his mind. He said Ethan would get what was coming to him. It was just a grieving man, right? Cal had heard threats towards doctors and nurses but they were never carried out. Could this man have struck? No. It was impossible. It would never happen. That was the stuff of nightmares; it never made its way into reality._

_Cal only managed to get to the first patient's notes when his phone started ringing. He walked to an empty corridor and saw the caller ID was Ethan. Strange. His heart jumped in his chest. Ethan was alright, he must be. He obviously answered it, "Ethan?" He listened carefully for an answer, but heard only short breaths from the other side. Something was wrong. "Ethan, are you okay?" He was definitely worried now. No speaking was coming, though. "Ethan? Talk to me, Ethan!" He listened again._

_"H...he...lp..." He heard his brother gasp from the other end of the phone._

_"Tell me what happened, Ethan. Where are you?" There was a few seconds silence where Cal could just hear gasps of breath. He was starting to think Ethan would never answer._

_"Or…ch…a…rd… W…ay…" Ethan told him. Cal then heard the sound of a phone falling to the ground and he heard no more of his brother._

_"Ethan!" He shouted down the line. "Ethan, can you hear me?!" Nothing. Cal had to find his brother and find out what was wrong with him. He was hurt, he sounded hurt. But, why wouldn't he call an ambulance? He wasn't hurt. Something else had happened. Something that must have caused him to lose breath. But, he sounded like he had fallen into unconsciousness. Cal had heard the phone drop to the ground; he must have dropped it. Oh God! What had happened?!_

_Looks like Orchard Way was Cal's next stop._

Cal and Max finally found Zoe. Max stood back and gestured for Cal to go on. Cal shakily made his way over to Zoe, running through what he was going to say to her in his head.

"Zoe," said Cal, noticing Zoe jump and spin around. "Sorry," he blurted out suddenly, completely forgetting about his speech he had planned.

"For what?" She asked, confused. Cal thought she should have known why he was apologising.

"For shouting at you earlier... and making you jump right now." He added in at the end. Zoe smiled.

"I didn't think anything of it, Cal."

"But, you didn't deserve to be on the end of my anger. So, I'm sorry," Cal said sincerely. Zoe nodded, even though she still didn't think Cal's apology was necessary.

Then she saw an actual physical change in Cal.

"Ethan's alone… I left Ethan alone!" He raised his voice in concern for his own brother. "I don't know why I ever thought I couldn't see him after what I did… I could have given him brain damage… but I just left him alone." He said frantically. "I need to be with him… he's alone!" Cal raced off and Max looked worriedly at Zoe.

"Don't let him be alone. He's unpredictable." Zoe warned.

Max scoffed. "You can say that again. Although, unpredictable seems too... smaller word." Max raised his eyebrows and Zoe nodded in agreement. "I'll keep an eye on him."

Zoe watched as Max followed the same path Cal had just taken. Cal certainly was unpredictable, and that wasn't good.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Just a pre-warning, this story will be coming to an end soon, but there will be a second story. I was going to put it in with this, but the summary and title would be all messed up - so I did make it a separate story. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

Cal noticed the door open and heard the sound of someone entering, shutting the door, and sitting down next to him. He didn't want to look up at them - he was focused only on his brother. He still hoped Ethan would wake up, but it seemed like a lost cause now. He had not only practically killed him, but Ethan was already half dead.

He wondered what would happen if Ethan did wake up. He'd never really given it much thought. He just wanted him to wake up, and they'd deal with what comes afterwards when they eventually came to it. But now he had to give it some proper thought. What exactly would Ethan be like? Would he have been so hurt he'd have to relearn everything, or would a miracle happen and he would be perfectly fine?

Cal knew there was no such things as miracles.

Cal knew he had to help Ethan if he woke up, but he felt the guilt knaw away at him even just looking at his brother. If Ethan was permanently disabled, Cal knew we he would never forgive himself. He would have to watch his brother suffer in whatever state he was in, knowing he could have been quicker, he could have coped better, he could have just sat by Ethan, he could have stayed strong.

He didn't have to lose hope.

But he did.

And Ethan would have to pay the price.

_Cal jumped in his car and, in a complete blind panic, drove like a madman all the way to where his little brother was. All he knew was a gasping Ethan needed help. Not knowing what was wrong made his blood run cold. For all his wild (and annoying) imagination knew, Ethan could be dead. Cal wondered what had happened to his little brother. No one would hurt him. Maybe a freak accident happened and Ethan was alone, or he'd scuttled off not knowing he was hurt, but then it hit him._

_That seemed plausible, and very like Ethan._

_But whatever happened, it was serious. Cal guessed Ethan had fallen into unconcious while on the phone; there would be no other reason for Ethan to suddenly stop talking - especially if he was seriously injured._

_He pulled up, quite badly parking, and almost fell out of his car in the frantic rush. He rounded the corner and felt shivers run down spine - giving him goosebumps in the process - for the sight that greeted his eyes put his imagination to shame._

_Ethan was sprawled out on the stone cold ground in the alleyway. Blood surrounding his still form - coating his stomach massively. His eyes were closed peacefully. If it wasn't for his pale complexion and all the blood, Ethan could have been sleeping. He had always looked innocent and relaxed when he slept, like nothing in the world could touch him. But it looked like something had._

_Cal approached him weakly, before he collapsed painfully to his knees, unable to walk any further. He was near enough to hear Ethan's raspy and minimal breathing._

_This was not good._

_Cal snapped out of his trance and engaged his brain. It looked like some injury to Ethan's stomach or abdomen. Cal crawled up to the side of his brother and inspected him._

_It looked like a knife wound._

_Someone had... stabbed(?!) his brother. This was not happening._

_Cal shook his head in disbelief and blew out a long breath. He looked around for any sign of a weapon, but there was none. He did notice, however, a teddy bear resting in his brother's hand. He smiled weakly as he read the writing on it. It was obviously a gift for Honey. Cal also noticed a bag and card, so took the teddy and placed it in the bag. He was hanging onto that._

_He checked his watch for the time, but remembered it had stopped working earlier. What a brilliant day for it to stop working._

_Cal also caught eye of Ethan's blood covered phone. He pratically threw it in the bag before pressing firmly on his brother's stomach, stemming the bleed. He needed to stop the bleeding, or his little brother would die right in front of his eyes. No, no way would he let that happen. Ethan was not going to die. That was a promise._

_Cal looked behind him. It wasn't a busy road there, and not many pedestrians. He sucked in a deep breath before shouting 'help' at the top of his lungs. He kept doing it and doing it; begging for assistance._

_Finally someone ran round the corner. It was a woman in, Cal guessed, her late 30s. "Please, you have to help me." He pleaded, close to tears. "He's... he's my brother... I need you to call an ambulance." She nodded obediently and knelt down beside Cal, swiftly bringing out her mobile and calling 999. "Tell them there's a doctor on site... and... and the patient is bleeding heavily from a suspected stab wound to his abdomen and stomach area." He instructed, feeling a lump form in his throat._

_Cal kept pushing down on the wound, hoping for a miracle._

Cal finally looked up and noticed it was Max who had entered the room. He was grateful that the porter had been there for him. Without Ethan there, Cal had definitely felt alone. His friends had made the ride a little easier for him, so kept coming up and seeing Cal while he was sitting by Ethan.

"You alright?" Max asked sadly.

Cal nodded. He knew Max would see right through it, but he didn't care. He wanted, needed, Ethan to recover fully, so he knew he didn't cause any more damage.

Then Dr McKay walked in. Cal froze and Max laid a hand on Cal's back. Dr McKay stood the other side of Ethan's bed and checked a couple of things. Cal watched him intently, he watched every movement intently.

Then he gestured to Max, and Cal said, "he stays." Dr McKay nodded.

"As you know, your brother suffered serious injury, and the...incident with the machines being turned off could have escalated the damage. We've said before, but we don't know how much Ethan will be affected by this."

Cal started to tremble.

"However, I come bearing good news. We think Ethan might wake up soon."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry this hasn't been updated in over two months, but the wait should never be that long again. (I say that, but watch it be that long again.) I hope this makes up for the long wait. Thank you for reviewing last chapter, I always appreciate it!

A great feeling of euphoria overwhelmed Cal.

His little brother, the one person Cal could never live without, was going to wake up soon.

He would be alive and alert and breathing for himself. He'd be eating for himself and be concious and be walking around. He'd go back to being a doctor in A and E. He would treat patients and do what he's good at and save people's lives and help people. He would make people's lives better and he would diagnose them and make everyone happy and he would smile and laugh.

Then he'd go home with Cal and help Cal cook. They'd sit at the table talking for hours until one of them was sensible enough to suggest the idea of bed, but they'd still talk for hours more. In-depth conversations about patients or their childhood or their mother. Ethan would tell Cal stories about their mother and they'd remember their mother together. Then they'd sleep and one of them would wake up to the other cooking breakfast amd they'd talk and laugh together. Doing what brothers always do and what they did before Ethan was attacked.

Then followed a significant change in Cal's mood. Excessive misery.

His little brother, the one person Cal could never live without, was going to wake up soon.

He would be damaged. Broken. He'd been in a coma, doing nothing - not even basic human functions - for himself for ages. He would need help bouncing back. He couldn't even breathe for himself. He would have to cope with all of this. He could even be severely brain damaged. Cal had turned off the machines for a short while. He made everything worse when the prognosis of recovery already wasn't good. Everything that could go wrong (apart from death), went wrong.

Would Ethan ever forgive Cal if he had to rely on Cal for he rest of his life? Would Ethan even have a job at the end of this? Cal could have messed up the entirety of Ethan's life.

Cal promised Ethan he'd be okay, and he'd let him down.

_Tears were dripping from Cal's eyes as he tried (and failed) to hold back a wave of emotion. He wanted to wipe his tears away, but he didn't think he could remove his hands from applying pressure to the wound on Ethan's stomach. He had to keep pushing and keep hoping for a miracle. The amount of blood his brother had lost was substantial. He wanted to check his breathing, his pulse, but he couldn't risk moving his hands._

_He did know that his brother was alive. He was breathing. He didn't know how many breaths-per-minute, and he didn't know whether he was tachycardic or bradycardic._

_Cal glanced around again, hoping Ethan's assailant wasn't still in the area. Of course, it would be very helpful for him to be arrested and thrown in a cell for the rest of his life, but he could come back and either finish the job or start on Cal while he was distracted trying to keep Ethan alive... and that just couldn't happen. One thing was for certain, the person who attacked Ethan was going to pay, and Cal would make him pay. They didn't have any leads to the attacker. The weapon was gone. Maybe if Ethan woke up, he'd be able to tell them who did it. Maybe. If. He could die. Cal could watch his brother die. He should have been quicker. He should have driven quicker, called an ambulance straight after the call from Ethan, or gone to the ambulance station and grabbed a couple of paramedics and an ambulance. That would have been quicker. 'Every second counts' was a phrase often used in dealing with life-or-death situations. Maybe the precious seconds - minutes even - would cost Ethan his life._

_"Is there anything I can do to help, sir?" A woman said, and Cal silently pleased the powers that be. He'd completely forgotten about the woman who helped by calling an ambulance. It didn't even occur to him that she stayed. He cocked his head to look at her, and observed she was nearly as white as Ethan. She looked worried and she was trembling. Cal had forgotten - in his time as a doctor - that though these sights were common to people like him, those not in the medical profession weren't used to them._

_"What's your name?" Cal asked, voice shaking._

_"Eve," she introduced, before asking the same question._

_"Cal," he said back, and - "this is Nibb... this is Ethan." His voice cracked as he realised if Ethan died, he'd never call him Nibbles again._

_"Can I help, Cal?" She repeated, and Cal noticed her gulp as if very nervous. He needed her help, so he pushed her feelings aside._

_"Right, okay. You know how to take a pulse?" She nodded. "Right, can you take if for me, and tell me the speed of his pulse," he really hoped she knew what he meant. The lump in his throat - caused by roar emotion - was making talking a hard task without sobbing, so talking more that necessary wasn't an option._

_He waited for what felt like hours, his arms starting to feel the pain from non-stop pressure on Ethan's abdomen, and finally - "more than three beats a second," she told him, finders withdrawing from Ethan's neck. "That's bad, right?"_

_"Yeah, yeah. That's bad." Cal had to close his eyes and hold his breath to stop himself from screaming at the sky. After regaining what little composure he could, "where's that ambulance?!" Then he heard sirens._

_"I know it's not much help, but now they're here, your brother can get the necessary help." Cal smiled as best he could at her. It wasn't much help to hear that - Ethan probably didn't have long left - but at least she had stayed and provided some comfort (not that Eve knew that) to him._

_"Cal?" His head turned fast, eyes looking at the paramedics running over to him. "What happened, mate?" Iain said, eyebrows raising in worry and confusion._

_"Ethan was stabbed, I think. There's no weapon... I can't be sure he was stabbed. It looks like he was stabbed. He was attacked. I'm sure he was attacked. I came here... I think I'm too late -"_

_"- vitals?" Dixie asked, cutting off Cal's worried rambling._

_"I... I don't know. His pulse... he's tachycardic. That's all I know. He's lost blood... a lot of blood. I've tried to stem the bleed."_

_"How long has he been here, Cal?" Dixie asked, trying to organise his thoughts so he could tell them everything they needed to know in the quickest time._

_"Um... I'm not sure. My watch is broken. I never looked at the time. Ethan rang me... no more than 20 minutes ago. But... but I don't know how long it was before he rang me."_

_"And who are you?" Iain asked Eve, who was kneeling by Ethan, still as white as a sheet._

_"Eve. I rang the ambulance. Cal asked me to." She explained briefly, never taking her eyes off of Ethan._

_"Please... you have to save him. He's dying... he can't die... he's all I have left," Cal choked out, his tears making it harder and harder for him to see._

_Cal watched Iain and Dixie put some gloves on and get some equipment out. Dixie placed an oxygen mask over Ethan's face, and Iain took Ethan's pulse. "Cal, let Dix apply some pressure, yeah?" Iain said._

_"No_ _... he's my brother."_

_"You're hands aren't exactly sterile, are they?" Cal looked at Iain, then at his hands, they at Ethan's face. He would hate to put Ethan in more danger - but he hadn't even considered the fact his hands could have been dirty. And even though Ethan wasn't in a sterile environment, putting dirt directly into the wound wouldn't help him one bit._

_He slowly removed his hands, and watched swiftly as Dixie replaced them - applying pressure to the wound instead. "Right, Iain, I need some large packs for this wound." She removed her hands ever so slightly. "It looks deep, and he's lost a lot of blood. Phone ahead to the ED and tell them the situation. This needs to be a quick handover and they need to be prepared." He nodded and did what he was told._

_There was a groan from Ethan and Cal slid (very uncomfortably and in the process, grazing his knees) to Ethan's head. "Ethan, buddy? Can you hear me? It's Caleb, Eth." There was no answer and Cal was beginning to think he was hearing things. "Ethan? Can you feel my hand?" He slipped his bloodied hand into Ethan's. "Can you squeeze it if you can hear me?" He waited for a few seconds, glancing up at Eve and noticing her anxiously chewing at her lip. Then Cal felt a light pressure on his hand and he smiled to himself. "Well done, Ethan. It's alright."_

_The older brother watched Ethan's face for any signs of life, and felt relief wash over him when Iain tried to shine a light into his eyes and Ethan tried to move away. "It's alright, Eth. It's precautionary, you know that. Just let Iain, here, do it." He continued to watch nervously and was pleased Ethan's pupils were equal and reactive._

_Ethan's eyes cracked open ever so slightly on his own accord and Cal pushed himself into Ethan's line of sight. "It's going to be alright, Ethan. You'll be okay."_

_His little brother's face contorted in pain. "Promise?" He breathed._

_Cal felt a few more tears slip down his cheeks. "I promise," he said, as he watched Ethan slump back into unconsciousness._

Max, who had noticed Cal wasn't quite as pleased as he would expect, started to speak. "This is good, Cal," said Max - obviously trying to be reassuring, "isn't it?" Cal felt Max squeeze his knee, trying and failing to provide comfort. Cal watched as Ethan's doctor turned to Max.

"Yes," Dr McKay confirmed, before turning to Cal once again. "Caleb, it's very good."

"No it's not. After everything Ethan's body has gone through... he's not coming out of this unscathed," Cal shook his head as he spoke, whispering out of dread.

"Well, we aren't saying he will. But he will most likely wake up soon," Dr McKay repeated, but it did nothing for Cal.

Cal stood up, feeling his blood rise up into his head; heart pumping in his ears. "I would rather he  _die_  then live life brain damaged and being trapped in his own mind! What if he can't do anything for himself?! How am I meant to live with that? Helping him through everyday knowing  _I_  caused it!"


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! First I must apologise for my lack of updating (the original chapter plan and updating plan meant this should have finished in September 2015!). Secondly, I would like to thank everyone who takes the time to review - your reviews honestly make me so happy and I really enjoy knowing what you thought of the chapter. Thirdly, I should probably warn you that this is the second last chapter.
> 
> So, on with it!

Cal was alone with Ethan now, after practically kicking out everyone else. He did feel a little guilty after everything they did for both him and Ethan, but he needed time to think. He needed to be alone with his little brother. After all - there wouldn't be any silence after Ethan woke up and started talking.

Then Cal reminded himself.  _If_ Ethan could talk.

He felt so horrible. He didn't think he would ever rid the feeling that lingered inside of him. Of course, Ethan waking up was good news. The best news when in this situation. But Cal knew he had to deal with what happened afterwards. He was Ethan's brother - Ethan's big brother. He could never desert him, especially after he promised Ethan everything would be okay. Especially after all Ethan had done for him. Yet, Cal didn't think he would ever be able to cope. If Ethan was brain damaged (which was extremely likely considering what he went through), then he'd have to rely on Cal. Cal who would have to look at him knowing what he did while under the influence.

 _How_ would Cal ever be able to look at Ethan without feeling guilt bubble up inside of him? Cal was meant to look after him. He was meant to be there for Ethan, meant to care for him. Instead he abandoned him when he lost hope. Instead he practically killed him when he lost hope.

He's made things a whole lot worse and he would _never forget_ what he did.

_Dixie and Iain practically slammed the trolley through the ED doors knowing time was of the essence. They had to get Ethan seen to straight away - the blood loss was substantial and they were close to losing him. Dixie had tried her best in the back of the ambulance, but it was hard when everything was jostling about and Cal was trying to help. It wasn't that Cal couldn't help, but he was Ethan's brother and it wasn't allowed. He was too upset to treat him properly._

_Cal spotted Connie by reception, looking through some notes. He knew he wanted the best for his brother, because Ethan had to survive this. "Connie!" he shouted. Connie whipped her head around with an annoyed look, before looking down at the stretcher and noticing who it was._

_"Alright. By the book, Dixie," she said, and Cal was surprised at how calm she sounded - almost as if she'd zoned out from all this._

_"This is Ethan Hardy, 30. Suspected stab wound - no knife at the scene. GCS 8, tachycardic at 150, resps 12 -"_

_Anything else she said died on Cal's ears as he stood aimlessly in reception, watching them whisk his brother away. He wished he hadn't sent Eve home now - he could really do with the support._

_"Cal? There you are," he heard Zoe say as she approached him. "Two of your patients - Cal... why is there blood all over you? Are you injured... hurt?"_

_Cal glanced towards her, throat to tight he couldn't speak. He shook his head wordlessly and looked back towards where he last saw Ethan._

_"Talk to me, Cal. What's happened?" she persisted._

_"I - erm. I - Ethan was... er... he was stabbed," he told Zoe, wanting to make his way to Resus but unable to do so. "He called me. I was too late... he's dying. Ethan's... Ethan's dying..." Cal started to cry, heartrending painful sobs emanating from him. He collapsed onto his knees - unaware reception had gone quiet - and continued to cry._

_"Come on. Let's go to the staffroom. Cal. Come on." He wasn't listening. He was crying because Ethan was dying. This time, he had to put his brother's life in someone else's hands, and he didn't know if he could trust them._

_Cal looked up at Zoe, "he can't leave me. He's all I've got."_

_"He won't. I am sure! Now come with me to the staffroom, alright?" He nodded, taking Zoe's hand and standing up shakily. She supported him as they slowly made their way to the staffroom; his legs seemed too weak to carry him._

_"I left it!" Cal realised, his sobs stopping almost abruptly._

_"Left what?" Zoe asked, making Cal some strong tea._

_"The bag... it was by Ethan. There was a teddy bear. It's in the ambulance, I think," he said, wiping at his eyes furiously to try and stop his tears._

_"I'm sure Dixie or Iain will give it to you. Now, drink this," she said comfortingly. Cal nodded his thanks and took a small sip, hoping and praying that Ethan would pull through._

Cal was sitting in the staffroom, next to Honey who had made him a 'special' coffee. (It didn't taste too special, so he decided to politely decline.) Honey had convinced him to take a break from Ethan again. She had walked in on him crying, which wasn't an uncommon occurrence, but it must have been tiring to see Cal crying all the time. He'd eventually agreed to go with her, but the walk to the staffroom was slow - and people kept looking at him. Some talked to him and comforted him and asked about Ethan. All Cal answered with was sobbing, so people left him be. He was sure Max would have told them. Maybe they were just being good friends.

But friends don't stick around. Friends wouldn't be able to help Ethan forever. Cal would have to. If Ethan was different  _forever_ , Cal wasn't sure he'd be able to stick around. He hadn't done with his mother. He'd left it to Ethan because he hated seeing his mother decline. Hated seeing her  _so ill_ and knowing he couldn't help her.

He didn't even know if Ethan would get better. He wouldn't be able to help him. He'd have to be there when Ethan cried, trying not to break down himself because this was his  _little_ brother and he couldn't help.

"Have you even been listening, Cal?" Honey asked, shaking his arm. Cal looked towards the barista and shrugged hopelessly. "He will be okay, Cal." If Cal had a penny for the number of times people said that, he'd have too many to count. "I can see it."

Cal huffed. "Stop lying, Honey. You can't see stuff like that."

"Fine," she said angrily. "Suit yourself." She stood up and started to walk away, but Cal realised he really didn't want to be alone. His thoughts we too haunting when he was with people, being alone would be even worse. He grabbed her arm harder than he intended, and heard her hiss from pain before she drew her arm from his grasp.

"Ow! What you do that for?" she asked through clenched teeth.

"Sorry," he said regretfully. "Please don't leave. I can't be alone right now. Please."

She nodded and sat back down, rubbing her arm. "He better be okay. He  _is_ my boyfriend after-all."

"And my brother," Cal added, muttering under his breath, "who I nearly killed."

"Whatcha say?" she asked, eyebrows knitting together as she tried to understand his hushed tone.

Cal sighed. He really wished there was someone who understood how he felt. "Nothing important. Nothing at all important."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. We come to the final chapter. Thank you for your reviews on the last chapter. I hope you enjoy this one!

"You know, Ethan, when I first got that call from you... the one where you told me... well I know you didn't really  _tell_ me anything as such. You just sort of breathed down the phone." Cal chuckled weakly. It made his throat hurt. He didn't feel in a laughing mood. "Sorry. But I was scared out of my wits, Ethan. I was so, so scared. I didn't know what had happened to you. Of course I had my suspicions, but never anything like this. I mean, you were  _stabbed_!"

Cal carefully held Ethan's hand, clinging onto it to bring him out of his own mind. "They still don't know who did it. You were assaulted but they don't know. You can help them if you wake up. And you better wake up, Ethan. If you don't I will kill you myself. I guess I've already really done that. I hope you forgive me for that, Eth," Cal sniffed.

"But, I guess you might not even be well enough to remember any of this. Oh God, Nibbles. Have I even told you how sorry I am?" He swiped away his tears with his other hand. He was talking to his brother and nothing would get in the way. "I'm sorry that I'm not very good at saying sorry. So... sorry. Sorry for everything I've ever done. And I know I've said this before but since you've been in here things have been different. And I know you've heard this before too. I should probably shut up but I don't think I'll ever be able to shut up again. I can't wait to talk properly with you. I bet we'll argue loads like we did before... before this happened."

"When I saw you, I mean the first time I saw you when you were up here, I was astounded. There were… there  _are_ so many machines. They are all keeping you alive because you can't do it yourself. I know I'm a doctor, and I know I've seen this a lot of times… but then I saw you. I looked down at your face and saw my little brother. You're so ill, Ethan. I never thought you'd ever be this unwell. I never imagined it. You're so independent and you stand on your own two feet, so to see you hooked up to countless amounts of machines, and having checks every day, and you can't even  _breathe_ for yourself… it felt like I was the one who was stabbed. Right in my heart because… because I am your older brother and I am meant to  _protect_  you."

_Cal was sitting on the sofa in the staffroom, fiddling with the blood-soaked teddy bear. He wanted to give it to Honey; it was Honey's after all. Yet, he didn't think he'd ever want to let go of it. Zoe was sitting next to him, but they were both silent. It had been a long time, maybe more than a few hours. Too long since Cal last saw his brother. No news was good news, right?_

_"Cal." As soon as he heard his name, his head shot up towards the staffroom door. A very upset looking Clinical Lead was stood there. Cal's breathing hitched and he saw Zoe's hand being placed on his knee out of the corner of his eye. "I have some news for you," she said softly, walking in front of Cal and kneeling down. "Now - "_

_" - is he okay? Please tell me he is," he begged, clutching the bear tightly in his hand. "Please," he said, voice cracking. Silence followed. "He's alive though, right? Please just tell me my little brother is alive." He looked down to Connie, noticing her watery eyes. She never cried. It was bad news. Ethan was de -_

_"He's not dead, Caleb." Cal breathed out a sigh of relief. Ethan was alive. "But you have to know, Cal... well..." she trailed off._

_"I'm a doctor, don't sugar coat it. Just come right out with it. Please, Connie. I need to know."_

_"He was severely injured. We did all we could to save him. He had to go up to theatre – "_

_" - Connie!" he shouted, not meaning to be so loud. "Please just tell me!" It sounded like she was avoiding saying something. He knew this must have been bad._

_"I can't say it..." she muttered, but Cal still heard. "I can't say the word."_

_"Then don't say the word. Say something else." He said. He should be able to work it out._

_Connie looked like she was going to speak, but she hesitated for more than a few seconds. Cal waited and watched, and then, "his GCS is 3, Caleb."_

_Cal stopped breathing. "You mean... he's..."_

_Connie nodded slowly, a tear slipping down her cheek. It was nothing compared to Cal._

_He buried his face into his hands, crying into them. He could feel his eyes hurting and his nose running. His throat felt tight and he felt so dizzy he wasn't sure he wouldn't faint. "No," he wailed. "No! He can't be!" He felt someone bringing him in for a hug and could only assume it was Zoe. "He can't be."_

_"I am truly sorry, Cal. He is, and his chances aren't good. I wish it was better news, I really do," Connie told him._

_Cal heard Connie, but he didn't take it in. He couldn't. His little brother was in a coma and the last thing Cal said to him was promising everything would be okay. It wasn't okay._ _It would never be okay_   _ever again_.

He gulped and held Ethan's hand more tightly. "We can get through this, Ethan. We can get through anything. Whatever happens to you, whatever state you're in when you wake up, I will be right there to help you. I know I promised everything was going to be okay, and I didn't keep it. It  _will_  all be okay. Now it will because you might wake up soon. Guess what, Ethan? I promise. I promise I will be there, and everything will be alright. In the end. We will get through this, together. I give you my word."

Cal wiped his eyes again, but still kept one hand holding Ethan's. "It was Dr McKay who told me you would wake up soon. You know who he is, I'm sure you would have seen him before. He's a nice bloke, and he's been looking after you. You have to prove him right. Please, Ethan. I can't be alone like this. You are my little brother, Nibbles. And I promise, whatever happens, I will be there for you."

Cal's breath caught. He thought he was imagining it at first, but he wasn't. He stood up in excitement, tears flowing - but with relief. He felt Ethan lightly put pressure on his hand. "Can I have some help in here?!" He shouted, hoping someone would hear him and confirm that Ethan was actually waking up.

"It's okay, Ethan. It will be alright. It's Caleb. You're in hospital but everything is going to be fine.  _You_  are going to be fine," he said reassuringly, being rewarded with pressure on his hand. Cal didn't dare let go. This was confirmation.

Ethan was waking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When one story ends, another begins. I'm basically saying there will be a follow-up story to this and should be posted soon. (But as you know I am terribly unreliable, so don't trust that!) Thank you to sweeet-as-honey, timelords22, CBloom2, Cameron Bailey, Tanith Panic, teeloganroryflan, papertowns101, Becs2202, Tato Potato, Gillian Kearney Fan, Professor Elk, LittleBrittishPerson, TheAtomicCheesepuff, 14o1, beckyboogle, tracys dream, kirstieworm1999, sotitmuss, and the guest for reviewing, and to everyone who favourited and followed. Your support means a lot, and I hope you enjoy the follow-up story!


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